Let’s be clear from the start.   Chronic fighting, emotional outbursts and resentment from poor communication are never productive in a relationship.

That’s not what I’m referring to here.

Healthy tension created by expressing yourself and being unpredictable are quite healthy and, I would argue, necessary in a relationship.

If you’re often described as a good guy or easy going, this is especially important for you.  Your tendency is likely to avoid disagreement yet this is where healthy tension often comes from.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being agreeable.  In fact, many women crave a guy who will just treat them nice.

But like most attributes, being nice will not serve you in all situations and there are certain times in a relationship when you need to exert who you are.  Being nice in those moments will undermine you.

Here’s why.

If you’re too giving, too accommodating you run the risk of slowly losing yourself and, just as important, the relationship with it.

Good guys tend to put others before themselves but in a relationship, you need to put yourself front and center – to put yourself out there for your partner to see.

If you’re not doing that, you’re not providing enough for your partner to grab onto and ultimately, she’ll get bored with you.

If it’s hard for you to express yourself, that’s ok.  This is something that can be learned.

Here’s some tips to get you started:

Take a hard look at your behavior – nice guys tend to please others in order to avoid conflict.  They also expect “nice” treatment in return.  But this dilutes the honesty in your relationship.  You can’t be nice to each other all the time. Notice when you follow this pattern with your partner.  Your niceness is likely cover for what you’re really feeling – anger, resentment, etc.

Practice with your friends – exert your opinion about something simple.  “I want to go to Luigi’s tonight for dinner.  Let’s meet there at 8.”  Expressing your needs, even with something as simple as dinner plans, will help you carry it over to your relationship.

Show some emotion – this can be tough for a lot of guys.  We keep our emotions bottled up and, as a result, when they do come out, it’s more of an explosion, especially when it’s anger.  Try disagreeing on a point you feel strongly about.  It could be something in the news or a family situation.  If your wife/girlfriend takes a position you don’t agree with, say so, and use a hand gesture and facial expression for emphasis and emotion.  Showing emotion when you don’t typically do so creates unpredictability and that’s key in sustaining healthy tension in a relationship.

Healthy tension is vital in any relationship.  Without it, the relationship can become stale and won’t grow.

In order to create tension and, indeed, maintain it, you have to be willing to show your partner who you really are, what you want and be willing to show a new side of yourself that you have perhaps never shown before.