One of the more anxiety provoking areas for men in dating is conversation.

Whether it’s someone you just met or someone you just started dating, having natural, effortless conversation can be elusive.

More often than not, nerves get in the way and we move into Q&A mode.

But too many questions put all the pressure on her.  She’s revealing information about herself and getting very little in return – not a winning formula.

First of all, only 10% of what you say should be questions.  The other 90% should be statements.

But since most men invariably fall back on questions, particularly early on, it’s important to use them effectively.

Each question should uncover one of three things:

  • Her character traits
  • Her motivations
  • Her feelings

Here’s some examples:

Why did you decide to stop practicing law?

What motivated you to move from California to New York?

What was it like to be a single mom at such a young age?

Let’s drill down on one of these.

You: Why did you decide to stop practicing law?

Her: Eventually the work lost its meaning for me.  I liked the prestige and the money at first but then I changed.  Those things became less important to me.

You: I know what you mean.  My first job out of college required 75% travel.  That was great when I was younger.  I was able to visit new places and that was exciting but now I like being home more.

These more substantial questions open the door for her to show you who she is and for you to do the same.

If you’re going to ask questions, make them count.

And ask about things that are going to extend the conversation and uncover a connection.

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