Interesting.  I was pondering this question and decided to consult Google for other perspectives.  I had my own insights but wondered what the prevailing wisdom was on the topic.

I was surprised to learn there were tons of articles on HOW to break up with someone but nothing on why it was so hard.

Was it merely not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings?

Was it the fear of being alone again?

These sound like logical explanations, right?

The fact is YOUR break up will mean something unique to YOU.

If you make it mean you’re a bad person, then of course it will be hard.

If you expect the break-up to devastate her, then you’ll certainly avoid it.

Break-ups are hard because of the negative feelings you expect to feel when you do it.

That’s why it’s important to examine the thoughts you’re having that are driving those feelings.

I went through this recently.

I was struggling with saying the words because I expected to feel guilt, confusion and pain.

These were not emotions I was looking forward to feeling.

No wonder I was dreading it.

How did I know I would feel them?

I examined my thoughts, which were:

“You’re not giving her a chance”

“She’s a great woman.  Why isn’t it working?”

“You’re going to hurt her”

Then it became clear why I was dreading initiating the break-up.  I didn’t want to feel the feelings those thoughts engendered.

By the way, none of those thoughts were true, aside from her being a great woman.  I created the others in my mind.

So I decided to create new thoughts:

“I was open and wanted the relationship to work”

“I trust my gut on these matters”

“I know what makes me happy”

Break ups are hard because of what we make them mean.

Next time your struggling with one, write down your thoughts on it.

Don’t like how those thoughts make you feel?

Try some new ones.

I’m betting they’ll be more aligned with reality.

And you’ll feel a whole lot better about what you have to do.

 

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