“You don’t listen to me”

This is a complaint women often level against men.

While it usually comes up in a relationship, let’s focus on listening as it relates to dating because if you’re not a great listener, and let’s face it, most men aren’t, then it is going to hang you up before you even get to the relationship phase.

How?

Simply put, you’ll hear things that aren’t there.

Here’s an example.

You’ve been on one date with a woman.  You ask her out for a second date.  She says, “I’m really busy this week”.

Your next thought might be “She doesn’t like me”.  You reason that if she did like you, she’d make time for you.

Really?

Is that really what’s going on here?

Let’s break it down.

In order to really understand her motivation, you need to get out of your head and into hers.

I know, it sounds weird but it’s the best way to understand her.

Ask yourself, “why is she saying that?”.

Try to think about it from her perspective, not yours.

When you do that, you might come up with something like “She’s scared”, “She has concerns” or “She might actually be busy that week”.

None of these things mean she doesn’t like you.

Try to listen for her intent and don’t get sucked in by your reactive brain.

Communication in relationships is complicated, especially with someone you’ve just met.

There’s multiple layers to wade through:

There’s what she’s thinking

What she’s saying

What you’re hearing

And what you’re thinking

No wonder things get so complicated!

Next time you feel hung up or confused about someone you’re dating, think about what’s going on in her head.  What’s her intent?

Write down the possibilities.

She’s scared

She’s unsure

She has plans

I left one out earlier – “she doesn’t like me”.  That’s a possibility too.  Write that one down as well.

You can probably come up with more.

It can be any of these things but considering the different possibilities will get you out of your head and away from the one, negative answer you’re focused on.

Considering the various options will allow you to listen with more openness and you’ll feel more motivated as a result.

Isn’t that better than staying stuck on, “She doesn’t like me?”

 

 

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