On the surface, it seems great to be regarded as a nice guy but anyone who’s viewed that way, particularly by women, knows it’s a curse as well.

Why?

Because it does not encapsulate all that we are, yet it seems to be all that gets noticed.

We have other dimensions and want to be appreciated for them.

But here’s the rub.

The reason women are not appreciating those parts of you is because you’re not showing them!

Men with Nice Guy Syndrome (yes, there’s actually a name for this) believe they can get what they want by being nice and reject others when they’re not nice back.

There’s an excellent book on this topic – you guessed it, No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover.

The irony about “nice guys” is that we’re not so nice.

We can be passive-aggressive, controlling and frankly, dishonest.

We use our niceness so others will like us but deep down, we’re liars.

We cover up other emotions (anger being a big one) with niceness and in doing so, only show part of ourselves to the world.

That’s why nice guys often have a hard time getting dates or find themselves in the “friend zone”.

So what’s a nice guy to do?

Here’s a few tips.

Write it down – download those nice thoughts from your brain and onto paper.  It’s the best way to become more aware of how your brain works.  Question yourself – “Why was I being so nice?  What was I trying to get?”  This will make you more aware of your patterns so you can catch yourself the next time you’re being overly accommodating.

Meet your own needs – nice guys enact covert contracts – “If I’m nice to you, you’ll be nice to me” – but these don’t work and set you up for disappointment and reactivity toward others.  Start taking responsibility for your own needs.  Do things that make YOU happy. And start extending love to yourself when you do a good job or achieve something.  If you start loving yourself more, you won’t need it as much from others.

Mix it up – invite verbal confrontations.  Nice guys always avoid these but if you can just exert yourself, even just a little, in conversation, people will take notice.  Heck, they might even think you’re a jerk but how great would that be?  Piss off just a couple of people and you’re well on your way to shedding the nice guy image.

Nice guys are not fully integrated men.  Many were overly criticized as kids and as a result, figured out that if they’re nice to everyone, they’ll avoid more criticism and invite more love.  But they give away part of themselves – the part that gets angry and demands respect.

One of Glover’s primary tools is the question “If I didn’t care what other people thought of me, how would I live my life?”

It’s time to start asking that question.

 

 

 

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