If you’re an introvert like me, you’re probably all too familiar with overthinking. We tend to spend a lot of time thinking about things.
Like any human attribute, it is neither good or bad; it merely serves us better in some situations than others.
And dating is one of those areas where too much thinking can be a problem.
There are many causes for overthinking but I’d like to focus on one: insecurity.
The definition of insecurity is uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.
When I’m overthinking about a woman, it’s the result of two things:
- I really like her
- I’m not sure if she likes me
So I overanalyze our interactions for clues. I present a problem to my brain and it will work overtime until it finds an answer.
There’s only one problem.
My brain is trying to solve a problem it can’t answer. It can’t figure out if she likes me.
Only she can determine that.
And the only way I can find that out, is to ask her.
But I don’t do that.
For more clues.
And drive myself nuts in the process.
Now, to be fair, it’s probably a sound instinct not to ask a woman I just started dating if she likes me. It comes off as needy.
And that’s the last thing I want to be.
But here’s the deal. If she continues taking my calls and continues seeing me, there’s a good chance she has at least some interest.
But that’s not what my mind is about. It wants to solve this problem. It wants certainty.
And it will continue working on the problem until it finds a solution.
So it will put weight on certain words in her texts. And it will wonder why she didn’t call me back right away.
But that’s just my mind doing its job – trying to solve the problem – “Does she like me?”
In those instances I need a different question.
How about one of these?
“Who do I want to be when I’m with her?”
“What do I need right now?”
These I can solve on my own. And they won’t leave my brain spinning.
Overthinking often starts with our insecurity but it continues because of our own faulty thinking.
We ask questions our mind can’t answer; they’re just dead-end questions.
But if you take a step back and pose a new question, you can make overthinking a thing of the past.