Over the past few weeks, I have concentrated my posts on attachment styles, particularly the anxious type, and I’ve tried to provide insights for people of that type so they can find more success in their relationships.

This week, I’m focusing on the avoidant type.  These are people who need their independence in relationships and often have difficulties with intimacy.  When their partners try to get close to them, they employ different strategies to push them away.

They will criticize their partners when they try to get close and call them needy.

They will tune out when their partner tries to share something personal.

It’s not that avoidants don’t need closeness and don’t have attachment needs like the rest of us, they just naturally repress those needs

And they suffer greatly in relationships as a result.

In fact, avoidants have a tough time when matched with anxious types who need a lot of closeness, particularly early on.

Avoidants fare much better when they partner with secure types who don’t need that validation.

But in addition to matching with certain types, avoidants can help themselves by following certain strategies.

One of them is the distraction strategy which was shown to be effective in clinical studies.

What the researchers found was that avoidants can enjoy periods of closeness and intimacy with their partners while they’re immersed in other things.

These activities allow their defenses to come down and they can connect with their partner more easily.

When avoidants go hiking, sailing, golfing or prepare a meal with their partner, they can let their guard down and access their loving feelings.

Does all this talk of avoidants resonate for you?

If so, you may fall into this category or least have some avoidant features.

If you’ve struggled to achieve intimacy in your relationships, the distraction strategy can help.

It may not be the complete solution but it’s a good place to start.

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