This simple question, “What do you want?”, often sparks an “Aha” moment for many of my clients.


Because it’s not something they’ve really thought about or asked themselves.

Finding a match is an intentional pursuit so it’s hard to do if you are not clear on what you’re looking for.

Here are some of the steps I take clients through to get more clarity.

First, think about the kind of relationship you want.

Do you want something casual – someone to just spend time with and then see where it goes?

Something purely physical – just hook ups?

Or do you want a long-term, committed relationship?

Knowing the type of relationship you want will help you match with someone who wants the same thing.  It will also help you avoid the misunderstanding that often occurs early on in relationships: the woman blames you for not being clear about your intentions.

Next, who do you want?

This one’s a little tougher.  To help, think about who you don’t want, which is often dictated by past relationships.

Here’s an example: “I don’t want someone who is entitled or bossy.”

Then think about the type of person you DO want.

For example, “I want someone who can relax and enjoy the moment”.

Taking stock of what you liked and didn’t like in your past partners will steer you to the type of woman with whom you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

Finally, what do you want to share?

This has been proven repeatedly in studies to be one of the best predictors of long-term relationship success.

It’s where you identify the things you’ll have in common and how you want to spend your time together.

“I want to get a beach house and share our summers together.”

“I spend a lot of time with my kids.  I need someone who is family oriented.”

But having things in common is more than just the activity itself.  Having a shared vision for your life together is even more important.

Spending time in a beach house is not just about being in the house.  It’s about being by the water and sharing a love for the outdoors.

Likewise, spending time with your kids is not just about being with them.  It’s about being part of their lives and deepening those relationships.

Sharing a vision of what your life will look like together is what this step is all about.

So there you have it – a few quick questions to pose to yourself to help you gain clarity in your dating life.

Now it’s time to ask YOURSELF, “What do I want?”

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