Do you know what you’re looking for in a woman?

You might think you know but when it comes to actually picking someone, your choice probably won’t resemble your stated preferences.

There’s what you tell others vs. what you are attracted to in the moment.

When someone asks you what you’re looking for, you respond using your conscious brain.

When you meet someone in the moment, you’re using your unconscious brain.

The results in each situation will be different.

There have been studies on this.

Malcolm Gladwell, in his book Blink (The Power of Thinking Without Thinking), tracks a study of people speed-dating.

Subjects were asked to rate different qualities in a date (attractiveness, intelligence, shared interests, etc.) before the event.  What the study found was the things people said they wanted, were not at all the attributes found in the people they selected.

There’s what you think you want vs. what you actually choose.

The man who says he wants a woman who is smart and sincere winds up picking someone who scores low on these traits but high in ambition and humor. 


That’s the tricky part.

Your unconscious mind does most of the decision making but it’s also the “locked door” you never get to pass through.  The unconscious mind is relatively inaccessible and while it’s hard to know what it’s up to, you CAN be open TO it and respectful OF it.

It’s fine to have an image of what you’re looking for but don’t get too locked into it.

In the speed-dating study, despite the characteristics each person said they valued, people rated things like “his Louisiana accent” or “her tongue was pierced” as things that generated interest.

These would have never have been things the subjects identified going in.

How you choose a partner and what you base it on is hard to quantify.

Trust yourself in the moment.  The woman you choose may not “add up”. 

She may not conform to the model you envisioned. 

Trust your instincts.

All the other stuff is what you tell your friends.

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