Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to determine a woman’s attachment style early on?  

That way you could see if you will be compatible.

The information below is a continuation of recent posts from the book “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

It’s intended to educate you about the three attachment styles: avoidant, secure and anxious.  But before you use it in dating situations, keep the following in mind:

  • Do not use this as a test.  You always want to spend time with a person to get to know them. 
  • Many people do NOT fall neatly into one category.  They merely have more features of one than the others. 
  • Do not use this information as a weapon. It shouldn’t be used to make your date or partner feel bad – to make them feel as though they have come up short in some way.
  • Be respectful – there are reasons why we have these different styles, many of which were shaped when we were young, so be respectful when assessing someone else’s style

Avoidant

  • Sends mixed signals (e.g., will call a lot then not so much)
  • Tells you how important her independence is (e.g.,“I need a lot of space”)
  • Devalues you – even if only joking
  • Uses distancing strategies (e.g., plans are left unclear when you will meet again)
  • Doesn’t make her intentions clear – leaves you guessing (e.g., stays with you a long time but never says “I love you”)
  • Has difficulty talking about the relationship (e.g., makes you wrong for asking where relationship is headed)

Secure

  • Reliable and consistent (e.g., calls when she says she will)
  • Makes decisions with you (e.g., makes plans that take your preferences into account)
  • Communicates relationship issues well (e.g., tells you if something is bothering her – doesn’t expect you to guess)
  • Introduces friends and family early on
  • Naturally expresses feelings for you (e.g., says “I love you”)
  • Doesn’t play games and doesn’t make calculations like “I already called him twice.  Now it’s his turn.”

Anxious

  • Wants a lot of closeness (e.g.,wants to spend a lot of time together early in the relationship)
  • Expresses insecurities/worries about rejection (e.g., asks a lot of questions about your past partners to see where she stands in comparison)
  • Plays games to keep your interest (e.g., pretends to be unavailable or busy)
  • Has difficulty explaining what’s bothering her – expects you to guess
  • Acts out (e.g., doesn’t tell you what she needs but eventually gets upset after an accumulation of hurts)
  • Has a hard time NOT making things about her (e.g., If you come home tired and don’t want to talk, interprets it as “you don’t love me anymore”)

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