Second only to getting dumped, this might be the toughest situation to deal with in dating.  You like her a lot but you don’t know if it’s mutual.

There are tons of lists on the internet that lay out cues signaling a lack of interest:

  • She’s slow in responding to your texts
  • She’s vague in her responses (“I may be free Wednesday night”)
  • She gets off the phone quickly
  • She doesn’t take an interest in you or your life (doesn’t ask many questions)

But here’s the rub –

You already know something isn’t right and you’re not going to check some list, like the one above, to confirm your suspicion.

The reason?

You like her and you want to believe you’re wrong.

It’s uncomfortable for her to tell you she’s not interested.  As a result, she will subtly avoid you and hope you pick up on it.

When it’s someone else, these scenarios are easy to decipher.  When it’s you?  Not so much.

So how do you gain clarity on a situation that’s clearly muddled?

You get to the bottom of it.

The uncertainty is making you nuts and it will probably continue as long as you continue to hold back.

Why do we hold back?

We don’t want to come off as needy.  But asking for clarity is not neediness.  You’re compensating for her inability to give you clear messages.

Here’s how you to get the clarity you need:

Step 1: Be real with yourself.  If you’re not sure if she likes you, chances are she probably doesn’t.

Step 2: Get her on the phone to have a frank conversation.  Do not do this via text.

Step 3: Ask her what’s going on in a non-confrontational way –

“I’d like to talk to you about something.  I’ve noticed a reluctance on your part to respond to my messages and to see me.  Am I getting that right?”

If she says “yes”, don’t ask her why.  That’s why she’s avoiding this exchange in the first place.  She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.  Remember, you’re not asking her why she doesn’t like you.  THAT is needy.

Step 4: If she says “no”, weigh the tone and length of her response more heavily than her actual words.  Many women will still avoid telling the truth, even when you open the door for them to do so.

If she gives you a convincing “No, that’s not the case at all” and keeps it brief, chances are she’s being truthful.  If there’s uncertainty in her voice and she gives a drawn-out response (usually highlighting challenges in other areas of her life – her job, her family, etc.), she’s probably lying to you.

Step 5: Remind yourself this is your decision.  You’re not looking for her to convince you.  You’re asking her a question and it’s up to YOU to decide if you believe her answer.

Step 6: Make a decision. If you believe her, ask her out and get a commitment as to the day.  If you don’t believe her, be honest with her – tell her you don’t want to date someone who can’t express her interest in a clear way.   If you’re wrong, believe me, she will make sure she reconnects with you to convince you otherwise.

The exception to all this?

If she continues going on dates with you.

No woman will keep going out with you if she’s uninterested.

In this scenario, what might be missing is you – you’re not being authentic in some way or you’re not trying hard enough.

To hook her interest, you have some work to do.  That’s when you contact me for some coaching.

Being unsure if she likes you is a tough space to be in but you can regain control by dealing with it head on.

Remember, it’s your decision whether you want to date someone.  If she’s giving you mixed signals, you have the right to ask for clarity.

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