Here’s how it usually goes.

She breaks up with you.

You don’t understand why.

You’re destroyed.

You text her.  You want more answers.

You think about her all the time.

You can’t let her go.

In short, you act crazy.

When someone breaks up with you, it’s more about them than you.

But we usually make it mean something like “I’m not good enough”.

So what’s really going on?

According to Breakup Coach, Dorothy AB Johnson, it’s about desire and attachment.

Dorothy works with women but her coaching principles apply to men as well.

Breakups are so crushing because of the importance we give the other person in determining our own happiness.

Instead of being the “cherry on top” of an already epic life, we make her the “sundae” itself.

And as a result, we’re devastated when they leave us.

If you don’t enjoy yourself alone, you will attach yourself to someone and make them the source of your happiness in a way that will not serve either of you. 

We hold on to people, even those who don’t want to be with us, to compensate for the inadequacy we feel about our own lives.

And that doesn’t work.

The way to get over your ex is to experience the pain from it and process your heartbreak.

What do we usually do instead?

We buffer.

We find things to make us feel better, which is often finding someone new to get involved with.

And the process repeats itself.

Want to get over your ex?

Write down the things that didn’t work in the relationship.

Our tendency after a breakup is to idealize the person and remember only the good stuff about them and the relationship.

But there was probably plenty of dysfunctional stuff as well.

To get over your ex, you need to feel your grief and process it.

But it’s also important to celebrate how you showed up in the relationship.

And to see it as just one “chapter” in a larger “book”.

As Dorothy points out, a broken heart is a “breaking open” to something bigger and better.

And it will only go up from there.

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